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  • By:Anderson Boemi

There are many different ways a child can perceive divorce. Some kids think it’s a blessing, some think it’s the end of their lives, some blame themselves, some think their parents hate eachother but no matter how they perceive it there is usually an underlying element of fear.

I understand that going through a divorce is no walk in the park for you parents but in a divorce where children are involved, the CHILDREN are the primary victims, so although you may believe that divorce is the best solution, test other alternate routes…starting with perhaps listening to each other. I’m not saying that listening is going to solve everyone’s marriage issues but it could prevent a petty disagreement escalating into a full blown argument. In the words of a teenager, some things are ‘not that deep’ and not worth starting an argument about (whether you are in a marriage, friendship or going through a divorce with your partner).

Before raising your voice and saying things you’ll regret, take a step back and consider that the best solution may be to discuss the issue at hand with your partner and then try to find a solution together. Perspective is also a really big thing when it comes to arguments. In an argument you only know what YOU are thinking, how YOU are feeling but by putting yourself in your partner’s shoes you may be able to gain an understanding of how THEY feel and what THEY are thinking. Remember there’s always TWO SIDES TO EVERYTHING.

Whether you tell your children to go upstairs and close the door or put on earphones your kids know that that is code for ‘there is about to be an argument’. I know that you are trying to do your best for your kids, but by allowing disagreements to become massive quarrels you and your partner are creating an unstable and aggressive environment and furthermore teaching your kids that this toxic behaviour between you and your partner is normal and that they are to expect it in their future relationships (romantic and platonic). Listen I am not saying that fighting in a relationship is not normal but it is true what they say ‘everything in moderation’. Fighting in moderation is healthy, continuously getting into fights that escalate and don’t come to a resolution is unhealthy.

Like an alcoholic, people in an unhealthy relationship need to want to put in the effort to break the cycle. Just because you are in a cycle of consistent arguing doesn’t mean that you have to end the relationship, it might just mean that you and your partner have to work on a few things. You have to want to change inorder for the relationship to make any positive progress.

Breaking the cycle might look different to everyone, for some couples that may be working on themselves individually, for others it may be working on their relationship together and for you it might be to end the relationship completely, all of which are okay as you are showing yourself as well as your children that people can change and grow and that their “normal” shouldn’t be pain, toxic arguments or abuse.



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Posted in: Family Law